Dear Santa~

Dear Santa, (or as mother always said as I got a little older: Dear Jesus~She always said he was the real Santa)

I am writing you to tell you what my desires are. I think I was supposed to do this earnestly about 3 years ago and I have been procrastinating... I think perhaps because I knew I wanted the things, but if I ask and it doesn’t happen, then it was a waste of faith, time and believing. Funny, I never consciously knew that until I just wrote it. Hmmm.... I guess there is something to be said about getting it done.

In many ways, that is exactly how I have approached most of my relationships too. I always pushed people away because I was sure that if I didn’t, then they would! I had to be the one to do it first! Now why on earth would a person do that when they could quite possibly have the most wonderful relationship on the planet? (Or the most amazing life!!) The answer is simple: to never get hurt, to never risk failing. I would push and they would either pursue until they got tired or just run from the start from their own problems (and as far as my dreams they would just sit on the back burner and wait). I am 35 and alone and at the lowest financially I have been in a very long time. The truth is though, I am comfortable suffering under mountains of stress and anxiety and not knowing how I will pay for my bills, but that is because it is familiar to me. I don’t know what it is like to truly be financially successful and so for some wild reason that scares the hell out of me! Perhaps again because like I mentioned earlier, I might be let down. But then, I have nothing, so there is nothing to lose!!! Right? How can that make sense? How can it make sense to not try if you haven’t got anywhere without trying? How can you fail if you try, you can only get one step closer to getting what you desire. If you don`t try or make the effort or have faith...then you have already failed. SO... I could say I am a failure, but I am not. In the past tense I have failed by not trying to pursue my dreams fully out of fear, but this is me now taking a risk and if something comes of it, Great! If not? I am no better or worse off than before except that I know that this is either not the right product or time at THIS time! Who knows what tomorrow holds, but I want to wake up one day and look back and know I did EVERYTHING I could to manifest my dreams come true! And here is the first step... Knowing what your dreams are :) So I have written them out! I am not posting them here because they are my dreams, you need to write out yours! So get started and lets see where it takes us a year down the road.....

Posted by a Friend on Facebook~ Pete Shaw:

Pete Shaw:

An eagles egg was put in a barnyard chickens nest,all his life,clucked,scratched the earth,cackled,thrashed his wings,would fly a little..Then when old he saw a golden eagle flying in grateful majesty above..In awe he asked,who's that?. That's an eagle said his neighbor,the king of the birds,we belong to the earth,were chick...ens..So the eagle lived & died a chicken as that is what he thought he was !!

My friend had this posted on his facebook this morning and it really touched me so I thought I would post it here to single it out and share it with you!

Have a wonderful day realizing who you really are ;)

Attitude of Gratitude!

Sometimes I think, REALLY!!!! How can one be grateful when people are so disrespectful!!! How can I be grateful when I am so tired because of that disrespect??? How can I be grateful when people are not real around me??? How can I be grateful when nothing seems to be working out in my life??? And the people who's space I am in are not people I want to to spend my time with and feel like a slave to their world??

Sometimes I think it will be impossible to muster up a good feeling, when it has been my whole life that complaining has been a regular part of when things are not the way I like them (because I think that everyone should live in an environment that is good for them and that makes them happy or they are not really being true to themselves!

I am working on it though, I spend a few minutes every morning and evening writing out things that I am grateful for in hopes that it will shift my mind and change my thoughts to those beautiful things and I can forget the things I don't like all the while focusing on and receiving more of the things I do like so I can attract more of that in my life! Then my life will have changed for the better!

Today, since being woken up at 5:30 of the noise of a person or persons that own the house I am living in,in a bed that gives me so much back pain every night so I wake up sore and stiff every morning! I thought: What do I have to be grateful for????? So I did not write in my gratitude journal, and I have been tense and angry ever since!! Why? Because that is all I am focusing on. SO now I am going to write a few things I am grateful for here rather than my journal so you too can see the simplicity of it and maybe we will both get a change in attitude :)

~I am grateful for my mother and her love!
~I am grateful for the early Christmas dinner with my brother's girlfriends family (lucky for me, I am single without kids or they wouldn't have sorry for me! lol!)
~I am grateful for the prospect of finding my own place in the new year! :)
~I am grateful for the ability to read and write!
~I am grateful for the desire to do more with my life!
~I am grateful for healthy teeth to brush!
~I am grateful to wake up with full health every day!
~I am grateful I have a roof over my head and food to eat :)

Usually I only write out three things in the morning because there hasn't been much going on since I wrote the night before, but today I have been up for a little while so I needed to write a few more to get me out of my foul mood! :)

The thing is, I have learned that two thoughts cannot be in your head at once, so if you are feeling gratitude for something you cannot at the same time be grumpy or angry it is impossible!!! So on those days I am feeling yuk! then I just write out more things to be grateful for then I can shift my attitude and change my life!!

I hope that has been helpful to you~ Not the most conventional method of writing about the topic I guess but as I grow spiritually so will my writing ;)

Have a great day and feel free to subscribe to my blog!

Ciao~

my thought for the day...

I wonders how much truth is in those stories? *sigh* trust what you know! Never allow yourself to be sucked into the void of misled truths... It will only burn a hole where there once was hope. Again, we are where we started two moments or memories ago... yesterday is but dust, tomorrow is where hope must rest and all we truly have this this moment, the one in which I am writing to you now...missjessicabouchard

It Has Been Awhile...

Well, It has been awhile for sure!! I have been so busy that I haven't even found time to write in my journal or gratitude book. I get so tired that I fall asleep thinking about all the things I am grateful for, but they haven't been making it into 'the book' It has been two weeks exactly! You know what that means? I am making time and effort tonight! (and I will count this as my journal entry ;)

So the thing is, I have been moving all over the place and everything in my life has been tossed up into the air and I am still waiting for it to land.. A friend of mine (Vanessa) asked me recently how I could stand it, how could I handle moving all the time, lost in uncertainty and confusion of what is next. I said well, that this is just how it is for me, that this is how I live, some people are stable in one place and some are stable on the move or on the go. The truth is, I love traveling and seeing new places and meeting new people, but I would really love to have a home base. I think that as I get older I desire a home. A place that I can leave MY things, where I can leave for a month and come back to, to find everything just as I had left it. It gets tiring moving my things from place to place but without the movement in my life I would become stagnant, bored, and feel as though there was no purpose again.

The other thing I recently realized is that all the people I loved spending my time with as a teen are all still hanging out with each other or married and busy, or have kids or any combination of those but I don't know how to engage in conversation with them.. what do I talk about. I have been away for so many years, I feel lost for words. I feel like I am living in some sort of time warp.

I need to really just settle long enough to focus on finishing one task! I must finish the art for my book, and study the courses I signed up for. the rest can wait! One day I will take voice lessons, one day I will take ballet, one day I will be 135 lbs again, but for now those two things must stay my focus!!!

SO today, I am grateful for accomplishing all the house work I could fit in, for cooking a meal that made people happy, for going for a walk, for filling up the bike tires with air, for having internet, for having friends, for having confidence, for my mother, for my sister and my brother and their kids and spouses, for my room and the place I live, for fields near my house, for the horses and the trails, for the Cd's and records and games that were given to me, for the beautiful weather, for winning the lottery, for becoming a better techie, for the opportunity to be a techie, for my mother's happiness, for Paul's art show and seeing so many wonderful people I haven't seen for so long, and for Micheal's birthday at the pool where I was OK with being me while spending time with my very happy niece! :)

OK, that is a few more than 5 :) I am grateful for many other things too, but now I must go to sleep!

One day, I will have MY home. for now I am happy, content...I love all the people and the places I have experienced because of my traveling nature...

Native flute song JATIVE-jazz and native~A Spiritual Experience