CHristmas?~

I am wondering two things...

1) If I had a cat would having feline company make it feel more like Christmas?

and

2) Blogging... I think it is like an extended facebook status.

It is officially Christmas Eve and yet, I look at my tree (beautifully decorated with red and gold beads and balls, butterflies, sparkly shoes, and a Russian ballerina I picked up in St. Petersburg) and while I admire the pretty lights and sentimental decorations, I realize that it doesn't feel at all like Christmas at all to me. Last week, when I was baking for three days, playing Christmas music loud and dancing around with flour on my face, it felt like Christmas. I couldn't wait until Saturday when I was having a few friends and family over. No one showed up but my friend, her mom (who is also my friend) and her baby. I was decked out and had spent the afternoon making mini pizzas for appies and ended up eating most of them for dinner (probably equaled a medium pizza if it were whole). After that I had another girlfriend stop by for a bit on Wednesday, and then I went to my sisters engagement party. Now it's just me waiting for a visit with family for dinner, and waiting to take down decorations (which I started doing tonight). I almost want it to be over, which is odd, considering that I couldn't wait to have Christmas. I could not wait to decorate and bake and have people over. I feel strange not caring in the least that it is here. I usually love this holiday as much as my birthday (that was a real let down this year too).

 I sure as hell hope that 2012 is an amazing year, and I hope it is not the end of the world! That would really suck! I haven't lived in France long enough to learn the language yet. (I haven't actually even lived there before.) I haven't been to Africa to see wild animals in there habitat, or rented a hut for a month in Thailand, or gone to Hawaii to explore its tropical wonders. No, I am not ready for the end of the world. I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. My grandpa kept telling me over and over in the hospital a month before he died, that he wasn't ready to die. Then he died. Was that of a broken heart, or loneliness or health reasons, I'll never really know. I stopped visiting him in January or the beginning of February. I got so depressed, I couldn't handle it. I couldn't stay there watching him suffer and tell me he wasn't ready and not have a way to make it better for him.  did take him coffee and treats when I was visiting. I know he appreciated it. I made the best coffee. He came over at least once a week before he died and would always tell me how I made the best coffee. I made him an americano with espresso from the Italian Mocha machine and add fat free canned cream with two packets of the yellow sweetener. He loved it. Anyway, I was hoping that 2012 would be an amazing year, it got me thinking about my birthday and then I started thinking about grandpa, because January through march makes me think of him. He was in the hospital in January, then he died in March the 17th or the 18th, it's a little unclear to me. Wow, that was a random babble if I ever had one. Sorry if that through you right off track! lol but thanks for reading (sort of lending me an eyeball in place of the ear~very thoughtful!)

Christmas spirit? I will be honest. I almost feel like staying home and skipping it all together. It feels like a big hassle. I have been non stop for moths and now I have a place to be creative and relax, and I would kind of like to do that. Maybe that will be my present to myself... (yah right!) lol

So my other thought was that blogging seems somewhat of a journal entry or a really long status on facebook. I guess it is good then that most of my facebook friends don't read my blog or they might see my scroogy attitude and be disappointed! lol The truth is I love writing in a journal, but lets' be truthful about it... I haven't written more than four entries in the past year. I think to many people kept reading them and invading my privacy so I stopped writing super personal stuff, so blogging is about the intensity I write anywhere anyway, so I might as well share it with anyone interested (especially journal readers! Eat your fill of my life's gossip, um, if that is what it is).

I guess the computer is my cat today, as I am talking to it as I type, it feels like I am writing to someone so it's somewhat interactive and well, I don't have to feed it or you, so I am already miles ahead of the game~


And you know what else... I think it's kids that make Christmas. I moved towns and without a car, I am stuck at my place instead of joining my family for Christmas movies and hot chocolate. watching the little one get all excited when Rudolf's nose glows or wiping their sticky hands or snuggling by the tree lights. yup, that's what is missing, Children. I have so may in my life, they are just not here today, so I guess I should get to bed and go see some of them tomorrow for kisses and smiles~

MERRY CHRISTMAS~